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Klutch

always down horrifically bad
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We had this thread on SGM for those of us who needed to vent, let it all out, etc, about the shitty and less fun things in life. Let's face it, life isn't easy sometimes, and sometimes just letting it out is nice, and having a support group in the form of people on these forums could be very helpful for some people.

I am certainly no therapist, but anyone is more than welcome to hit me up if you aren't comfortable posting here, and I'm all ears :)
 

STONEY

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My gf's grandma was sent to the hospital 2 weeks ago for having a stroke. After being admitted for only a few days she ended up having 2 more strokes leaving her whole right side permanently paralyzed. She was unable to speak or swallow. She was sent home last Wednesday, but on hospice. So I was around and helping her and her parents with anything they needed. I ended up calling out of work about 3 days to help out. Well Tuesday night my gf ended up getting the text from her mother that it was over, and her grandma passed in her sleep. I've been feeding off my gf's emotions throughout the whole situation as if it was my own grandmother that went through all this. When we all thought the worst was behind, yesterday my gf's mother got a phone call from her cousin out in Arizona telling her that her husband OD'd after being found by his 14 year old son in a hotel room. He was the grandmas Nephew and there relationship was so close that even after being clean and sober for years after he heard the news about his aunt passing he ended up using again and unfortunately it was too much and he passed. My gf is going through quite possibly the worst time of her life right now. I'm trying to be there for support, but at the same time all this stress I have on my own and after hearing all these happening in the family it leaves me going through the same emotional pain, the last 24 hours I haven't spoken a word to anybody I know I've just been mentally blacked out. I guess my brain can't take any more bad news at this point and decided to stop functioning a certain portion. Anyways I thought I'd express all this somewhere where I could release it from being shoved down into my thoughts.
 

drunk dog

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We had this thread on SGM for those of us who needed to vent, let it all out, etc, about the shitty and less fun things in life. Let's face it, life isn't easy sometimes, and sometimes just letting it out is nice, and having a support group in the form of people on these forums could be very helpful for some people.

I am certainly no therapist, but anyone is more than welcome to hit me up if you aren't comfortable posting here, and I'm all ears :)
Well said! And yeah, honestly I think it's important for people to try and keep in mind that if you're replying to someone or someone is venting to you, don't feel like it's your duty to try and solve their issues for them. Most of the time we're just not really capable of solving other people's problems like that, and even more often people don't want you to. It's very crucial to prioritize just being there for someone and listening to them, imo - that can often sound pointless or useless, and as humans we do tend to want to just fix other people's problems for them, but it really does make a difference to just listen.

So if anyone is ever wanting to help anyone but unsure how to go about it, you can start by just hearing them out, let them talk as much as they need to/is possible, and be there for them.
 

Swiffe.

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My experience with bullying.

I know everyone has a different experience and most people have been bullied to what extent is different but it still does not take away from the fact that you have been bullied. I am going to share my experience with every since It has been something I have never really talked about.

When I was in 6th grade I had started dating this girl and we dated until 7th grade. She is extremely bipolar so as a 13-year-old guy it was extremely difficult to deal with. I felt that if I broke up with her she would literally try to kill me so I had the bright idea to tell her I was gay. (I know very smart) However not thinking too far ahead of what I had just done overnight she had texted as many people as she possibly could telling them that I was gay and it felt like a movie scene everyone was looking at me and people started laughing at me until I had realized what had happened. Now, this is something I had kind of brought onto myself but more people started to find out about it and tease me until everyone around me even my friend (the one I had at the time) thought I was gay. Now I was not too popular at the time; I was a weird kid with ADHD who only talked to girls so that didn't help my case any. Anyways the next step from the bullying was much worse than the teasing. I was starting on the football team for defense and offense and now that everyone had thought I was gay it made me an even bigger target for someone to harass me if that wanted me to leave the team so they could take my spot. One of the kids on the football team had gotten my Snapchat and later that night had messaged me saying that he was going to kill me for being gay and that the next time we were in the locker room was going to beat the shit out of me. This continued for a long time even though he had never really done anything he would always threaten me. The teasing never really stopped I could hear people talking about me behind my back I remember one girl had made fun of the sweat pants I was wearing in front of my entire class saying she also had them(saying that I am wearing girls clothes) which doesn't mean much now but as a 14-year-old in 2015 was the biggest thing ever and I still remember to this day people snickering and laughing at me. Now you are probably thinking why didn't I just deny being gay and tell my friends well like I said I was not very popular and I really didn't have any friends at all. I would come home and play video games that's about it. So when I did try to deny it, it went nowhere and people didn't really believe me so I just gave up. Now this story does have a happy ending, even though this followed me throughout my entire high-school experience! Even to this day as a Sophomore in college I still have old schoolmates who have asked me if I was gay! Anyways back to the start of my high school experience. Over the summer break I had gotten much taller(I started high school at 6 foot 1) and I had almost lost my baby face which was the best thing that had ever happened to me because the people that used to tease me started to actually want to talk to me. After the first semester, I had started to become the class clown and pretty popular and a lot of my old bully's had started to apologize to me and in their own way made it up to me now this didn't really take back everything that had happened but it did give me some clarity after years of this.

The bullying still affects me to this day. When I am around a pretty girl with a popular girl attitude I start to freak out as some of my bullies were popular girls it just gave me flashbacks and I just don't know what to do. Usually, I am able to force myself to act like a normal person but on the inside, I am on DEFCON 1000. A long-lasting problem that I have learned to deal with is being called gay because of what had happened when someone calls me gay or tells me I am I used to get very frustrated and try my best to convince them that I am not even if they are joking I guess after years of not defending myself I would just lash out trying to get all that pent up frustration out of me.

Thank you for reading sorry in advance for how horrible I am at typing and making things flow I just kind of typed it out hopefully it all made sense!
 

Klutch

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I have hit a point of unbelievable stress.

im supposed to be graduating in the spring of 2022. The only way for me to reasonably do so is to take winter classes not only at a community college, but at my university as well. The problem with that is that the community colleges’ winter overlaps with my university’s spring, so at one time I’d be taking 28 units for about 6 weeks. The major problem with this other than the severe class load is that as a music major, I have to audition for graduate programs between January and February, right when I’d be auditioning for these programs.
The issue with this is not only will I be taking all of these classes, I have to worry about preparing an unholy shit load of music to present to the schools in trying to get accepted into, AND I’ll have to travel across the US/Europe to audition at all of these schools WHILE taking classes, most of which will be in person by this time, so I’ll be legitimately missing classes for this.

my other option is to hold off and take it easy, take one class over the winter, a reasonable load over the spring, and a reasonable load NEXT fall, taking one extra semester to graduate. The issue this poses is that to take that extra semester, I have to take out another semester’s worth of student loans, and I’d start my masters degree IN 2023. I don’t want to do that, because of the additional student loans, and I’d have to take an entire semester off because I can’t start a graduate program during a spring semester.

But wait, there’s more. Currently, to get by, I work 4 days at my restaurant job, 3 days at one teaching job, and other random days at another teaching job WHILE taking 19 units. The only reason I’m doing THAT is because I have a shit load of bills to pay, and that is the only reasonable way for me to do so. As it stands, work is starting to interfere with my school stuff, but I can’t do anything about it since I have bills to pay.

fuck man
 

Bonks

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I have hit a point of unbelievable stress.

im supposed to be graduating in the spring of 2022. The only way for me to reasonably do so is to take winter classes not only at a community college, but at my university as well. The problem with that is that the community colleges’ winter overlaps with my university’s spring, so at one time I’d be taking 28 units for about 6 weeks. The major problem with this other than the severe class load is that as a music major, I have to audition for graduate programs between January and February, right when I’d be auditioning for these programs.
The issue with this is not only will I be taking all of these classes, I have to worry about preparing an unholy shit load of music to present to the schools in trying to get accepted into, AND I’ll have to travel across the US/Europe to audition at all of these schools WHILE taking classes, most of which will be in person by this time, so I’ll be legitimately missing classes for this.

my other option is to hold off and take it easy, take one class over the winter, a reasonable load over the spring, and a reasonable load NEXT fall, taking one extra semester to graduate. The issue this poses is that to take that extra semester, I have to take out another semester’s worth of student loans, and I’d start my masters degree IN 2023. I don’t want to do that, because of the additional student loans, and I’d have to take an entire semester off because I can’t start a graduate program during a spring semester.

But wait, there’s more. Currently, to get by, I work 4 days at my restaurant job, 3 days at one teaching job, and other random days at another teaching job WHILE taking 19 units. The only reason I’m doing THAT is because I have a shit load of bills to pay, and that is the only reasonable way for me to do so. As it stands, work is starting to interfere with my school stuff, but I can’t do anything about it since I have bills to pay.

fuck man
fuck man, that is a point of unbelievable stress, but holy shit you've held it together to this point. honestly, for the sake of your mental and physical health, plan b, my guy. take it easy, the additional student loans will suck, but it would be much more manageable, and you never know, your job situation could change/improve considering what you've already been managing. it might be touchy, but i don't think talking to some of your superiors in uni or work about finding a way to help ease the load would hurt either. you've made it this far man, which is impressive enough, you doubting yourself despite all that, it shows you are conscious, aware of your situation, there's a Bertrand Russell quote; “The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.” i nor should anyone doubt your ability to see your degree through to graduation and a career.
 

helix

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I have hit a point of unbelievable stress.

im supposed to be graduating in the spring of 2022. The only way for me to reasonably do so is to take winter classes not only at a community college, but at my university as well. The problem with that is that the community colleges’ winter overlaps with my university’s spring, so at one time I’d be taking 28 units for about 6 weeks. The major problem with this other than the severe class load is that as a music major, I have to audition for graduate programs between January and February, right when I’d be auditioning for these programs.
The issue with this is not only will I be taking all of these classes, I have to worry about preparing an unholy shit load of music to present to the schools in trying to get accepted into, AND I’ll have to travel across the US/Europe to audition at all of these schools WHILE taking classes, most of which will be in person by this time, so I’ll be legitimately missing classes for this.

my other option is to hold off and take it easy, take one class over the winter, a reasonable load over the spring, and a reasonable load NEXT fall, taking one extra semester to graduate. The issue this poses is that to take that extra semester, I have to take out another semester’s worth of student loans, and I’d start my masters degree IN 2023. I don’t want to do that, because of the additional student loans, and I’d have to take an entire semester off because I can’t start a graduate program during a spring semester.

But wait, there’s more. Currently, to get by, I work 4 days at my restaurant job, 3 days at one teaching job, and other random days at another teaching job WHILE taking 19 units. The only reason I’m doing THAT is because I have a shit load of bills to pay, and that is the only reasonable way for me to do so. As it stands, work is starting to interfere with my school stuff, but I can’t do anything about it since I have bills to pay.

fuck man

Taking your masters will very likely be the most stressful point of your educational career. It was for me, at least. You don't want to go from a point of high-stress, in to another point of high stress that is probably going to last over the next couple of years. After have going through it myself, I'd op for the extra student loans and have a smoother transition in to your Masters.
 

Klutch

always down horrifically bad
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I feel like this post needs a trigger warning, this is a topic that includes sexual assault which I know can be very hard to read or hear for some.



So I just found out someone who is (was now?) one of my best friends sexually assaulted someone.

Some background, a music department at a university is usually more like a mini community, everyone knows each other because we’re all in classes and music ensembles with each other and whatnot. I became friends with this guy my first year at my university after transferring from CC. We were in a sax quartet together and be very quickly became one of my best friends, we’d hang basically every day, and we also got a nice friend group going with several other saxophonists from my school.

He’s currently out of state getting his doctorate but we’ve still been talking, until Monday.. I went up to my girlfriend’s best friend to show her something regarding him because they’d been at the school at the same time for a few years, and I asked her, “oh hey were you friends with [REDACTED]?” And she tells me, “no he sexually assaulted one of my best friends.”

I had to tell someone, so I told one of the other dudes in our friend group and he said he had kinda known about it but didn’t really wanna tell any of us about it because we held the guy in such high regard (he was a masters student and we’re all undergrads so he was kind of like an older brother figure to all of us), but he said the situation was essentially him putting a lot of pressure on this girl to do things with him only because they were dating, and she told him no so many times and... yeah.

The last few days I’ve been breaking it to everyone in our friend group. We’re going to all get on a call with him to hold him accountable and then drop him but it’s just so shitty, we all thought he was one of the best of us, and he is very much the opposite.

What’s worse is this isn’t the first time this has happened to me. Two people I’d been pretty good friends with in high school were outed last year, fortunately I’d cut them out of my life before they got outed for my own reasons but still, that’s shitty. And then my high school band teacher got outed for grooming and molesting several students over the course of like 5+ years, and I was very close with him...

At this point, this is the 4th time it’s happened with someone I’ve been close with at one point or another, and now I’m just tired. I feel like it’s something that just keeps happening and is going to keep happening through my entire life, and I really am just tired.
 

Bonks

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shit… this was a hard read, to have every instance of it on its own is a hard thing to hear and comprehend fully, i cant imagine the stress of all of it combining over time, just knowing a confrontation is coming is an intensifying factor on all of this.
The best thing to do though, is to have the confrontation alongside your friends, talk to him, hear his side of the story. If he shows genuine remorse, regret, and understands his actions, depending on the situation it can give him a shot at redemption, but still he is never going to be the same person he was to you before.
I hope this or a better scenario is the way this goes for you and your circle, as much as people are quick to divide these days, realization, acceptance, and forgiveness can be a pivotal moment in helping him become a better person, again, depending on what implications his actions had. Keep in touch with your friends after as well, it’s easy for people to shut down in times like these, and all they could need is someone to be there for them.
 

Aidan

Expert Member
I feel like this post needs a trigger warning, this is a topic that includes sexual assault which I know can be very hard to read or hear for some.



So I just found out someone who is (was now?) one of my best friends sexually assaulted someone.

Some background, a music department at a university is usually more like a mini community, everyone knows each other because we’re all in classes and music ensembles with each other and whatnot. I became friends with this guy my first year at my university after transferring from CC. We were in a sax quartet together and be very quickly became one of my best friends, we’d hang basically every day, and we also got a nice friend group going with several other saxophonists from my school.

He’s currently out of state getting his doctorate but we’ve still been talking, until Monday.. I went up to my girlfriend’s best friend to show her something regarding him because they’d been at the school at the same time for a few years, and I asked her, “oh hey were you friends with [REDACTED]?” And she tells me, “no he sexually assaulted one of my best friends.”

I had to tell someone, so I told one of the other dudes in our friend group and he said he had kinda known about it but didn’t really wanna tell any of us about it because we held the guy in such high regard (he was a masters student and we’re all undergrads so he was kind of like an older brother figure to all of us), but he said the situation was essentially him putting a lot of pressure on this girl to do things with him only because they were dating, and she told him no so many times and... yeah.

The last few days I’ve been breaking it to everyone in our friend group. We’re going to all get on a call with him to hold him accountable and then drop him but it’s just so shitty, we all thought he was one of the best of us, and he is very much the opposite.

What’s worse is this isn’t the first time this has happened to me. Two people I’d been pretty good friends with in high school were outed last year, fortunately I’d cut them out of my life before they got outed for my own reasons but still, that’s shitty. And then my high school band teacher got outed for grooming and molesting several students over the course of like 5+ years, and I was very close with him...

At this point, this is the 4th time it’s happened with someone I’ve been close with at one point or another, and now I’m just tired. I feel like it’s something that just keeps happening and is going to keep happening through my entire life, and I really am just tired.
shit… this was a hard read, to have every instance of it on its own is a hard thing to hear and comprehend fully, i cant imagine the stress of all of it combining over time, just knowing a confrontation is coming is an intensifying factor on all of this.
The best thing to do though, is to have the confrontation alongside your friends, talk to him, hear his side of the story. If he shows genuine remorse, regret, and understands his actions, depending on the situation it can give him a shot at redemption, but still he is never going to be the same person he was to you before.
I hope this or a better scenario is the way this goes for you and your circle, as much as people are quick to divide these days, realization, acceptance, and forgiveness can be a pivotal moment in helping him become a better person, again, depending on what implications his actions had. Keep in touch with your friends after as well, it’s easy for people to shut down in times like these, and all they could need is someone to be there for them.
Yeah, I really agree with Alex on this; ask him about his side of the story and depending on his actions while talking about it decide what you want to do. I don't really have much else to say as I have never encountered a situation like this, but I can say that I'm sorry that you have to go through this.
 

Klutch

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Hi. I figured I'd post in here to get this off my chest. It's as anonymous as I can keep it and nobody on these forums knows the person involved so I figured this was an okay place to do this.

I do need to include a trigger warning, this story does include the topic of suicide very heavily, so if that is sensitive to you, please do not read any more.


My girlfriend tried to take her life on Wednesday night. She is now out of the psychiatric facility and home. I started therapy today because the entire experience was something I had to personally deal with, and it was a lot.. In fact, I'm still processing the events.

Ever since I've known her, she has struggled with depression. I've tried my best to help her out through her hardships, and she has certainly had her ups and downs, but it got to the point that it got to on Wednesday... She has a therapist and has been taking an SSRI for the past 2-3 months, which was a big step for her that I had to give her a lot of support with starting.. She was doing quite well until last week (week of March 7), where she started making comments about the ironies of depressed people being prescribed a medication that is quite easy to OD on. After making those comments, she realized it may not be in her best interests to have the medication in her possession, so she gave it to me, and for about a week, I was giving her her doses when she needed them.
She was trying to keep the situation quite private from her family; her mom who lives in another state was abusive through her teenage years, and is still to this day a controlling socio/psychopath/narcissist who only makes the lives of her family worse. The rest of her family is honestly fine, her dad and sister are both good people who live 5 minutes away from her and her brother, who in my opinion tries to act like too much of a dad instead of a brother, but that is beside the point. Anyways, because of her history with her mother, she thinks that her entire family would react in the same way her mother would when talking about mental health issues and whatnot, but after she started making the scary comments, I told her it may be in her best interests to tell her dad that she was at least on an SSRI. She took my advice fortunately, and her dad reassured her that her mom would not find out from him.
In the past week, I've tried to help emotionally support her as best as I can, her support group has shrank a bit; she found out someone who she thought was one of her best friends is honestly kind of a terrible person, and that made the situation worse. Our university has an emergency crisis hotline, and I tried to convince her to call them, because no matter how hard I try to emotionally support her, I am far from a mental health professional, and I would not be able to provide sufficient assistance to her other than just being there for her.
Fast forward to Wednesday night. A friend of ours and myself were off campus doing some music related things, and when we got back to campus, I was going to say bye to her before we both headed to our apartments for the night. She got in my friend's car with us, and proceeded to tell us that she had just taken about 30 ibuprofen... I called 911 before she was even finished with her sentence, and the emergency responders were able to get her to the ER in the hospital. I had to call her dad and explain what was going on, which was really not great; I've only talked to him a couple times, so breaking the news to him was hard. I then had to speak to her mother over the phone and explain the situation as briefly as I could, and when her siblings and dad arrived at the hospital, her dad was allowed to go into the room with her, and I explained everything about the events of the past week to her brother.
The next day, I was able to visit her, but, by the end of the day, she was 5150'd, which is an involuntary holding period that can be up to 72 hours in a psychiatric hospital.
She was released before the 72 hours were up, which is good because she is home now (actually at this moment she is with the friend who was with me when everything went down).
I want to help her work through this, but I just don't know how. I went to therapy to help myself process everything, but honestly, it doesn't even feel real. I love her a lot, and I know for a fact that I don't want her out of my life, especially because of something like that, so it is a relief that she is okay.
Her mental state seems better, she says that she knows for a fact that she wants to be alive now, it just scares me, because there is something in the back of my head nagging me that she is just telling me that she's just saying what I want to hear. It's scary, and I'm doing the best that I can to support her, it just feels like I'm in a constant state of fear of what is going to come next.
I just needed to get this out and say it to someone who isn't my therapist, but if anyone has any idea on how to move forward in a situation like this, I would be very appreciative of any advice.
 

Pokeben10

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Hi. I figured I'd post in here to get this off my chest. It's as anonymous as I can keep it and nobody on these forums knows the person involved so I figured this was an okay place to do this.

I do need to include a trigger warning, this story does include the topic of suicide very heavily, so if that is sensitive to you, please do not read any more.


My girlfriend tried to take her life on Wednesday night. She is now out of the psychiatric facility and home. I started therapy today because the entire experience was something I had to personally deal with, and it was a lot.. In fact, I'm still processing the events.

Ever since I've known her, she has struggled with depression. I've tried my best to help her out through her hardships, and she has certainly had her ups and downs, but it got to the point that it got to on Wednesday... She has a therapist and has been taking an SSRI for the past 2-3 months, which was a big step for her that I had to give her a lot of support with starting.. She was doing quite well until last week (week of March 7), where she started making comments about the ironies of depressed people being prescribed a medication that is quite easy to OD on. After making those comments, she realized it may not be in her best interests to have the medication in her possession, so she gave it to me, and for about a week, I was giving her her doses when she needed them.
She was trying to keep the situation quite private from her family; her mom who lives in another state was abusive through her teenage years, and is still to this day a controlling socio/psychopath/narcissist who only makes the lives of her family worse. The rest of her family is honestly fine, her dad and sister are both good people who live 5 minutes away from her and her brother, who in my opinion tries to act like too much of a dad instead of a brother, but that is beside the point. Anyways, because of her history with her mother, she thinks that her entire family would react in the same way her mother would when talking about mental health issues and whatnot, but after she started making the scary comments, I told her it may be in her best interests to tell her dad that she was at least on an SSRI. She took my advice fortunately, and her dad reassured her that her mom would not find out from him.
In the past week, I've tried to help emotionally support her as best as I can, her support group has shrank a bit; she found out someone who she thought was one of her best friends is honestly kind of a terrible person, and that made the situation worse. Our university has an emergency crisis hotline, and I tried to convince her to call them, because no matter how hard I try to emotionally support her, I am far from a mental health professional, and I would not be able to provide sufficient assistance to her other than just being there for her.
Fast forward to Wednesday night. A friend of ours and myself were off campus doing some music related things, and when we got back to campus, I was going to say bye to her before we both headed to our apartments for the night. She got in my friend's car with us, and proceeded to tell us that she had just taken about 30 ibuprofen... I called 911 before she was even finished with her sentence, and the emergency responders were able to get her to the ER in the hospital. I had to call her dad and explain what was going on, which was really not great; I've only talked to him a couple times, so breaking the news to him was hard. I then had to speak to her mother over the phone and explain the situation as briefly as I could, and when her siblings and dad arrived at the hospital, her dad was allowed to go into the room with her, and I explained everything about the events of the past week to her brother.
The next day, I was able to visit her, but, by the end of the day, she was 5150'd, which is an involuntary holding period that can be up to 72 hours in a psychiatric hospital.
She was released before the 72 hours were up, which is good because she is home now (actually at this moment she is with the friend who was with me when everything went down).
I want to help her work through this, but I just don't know how. I went to therapy to help myself process everything, but honestly, it doesn't even feel real. I love her a lot, and I know for a fact that I don't want her out of my life, especially because of something like that, so it is a relief that she is okay.
Her mental state seems better, she says that she knows for a fact that she wants to be alive now, it just scares me, because there is something in the back of my head nagging me that she is just telling me that she's just saying what I want to hear. It's scary, and I'm doing the best that I can to support her, it just feels like I'm in a constant state of fear of what is going to come next.
I just needed to get this out and say it to someone who isn't my therapist, but if anyone has any idea on how to move forward in a situation like this, I would be very appreciative of any advice.
Holy shit, I can't possibly imagine what you're going through. I will definitely be keeping you and your girlfriend in my prayers. Hang in there bro, you two are gonna be so much closer when all of this is over.
 

RyanHighman

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Hi. I figured I'd post in here to get this off my chest. It's as anonymous as I can keep it and nobody on these forums knows the person involved so I figured this was an okay place to do this.

I do need to include a trigger warning, this story does include the topic of suicide very heavily, so if that is sensitive to you, please do not read any more.


My girlfriend tried to take her life on Wednesday night. She is now out of the psychiatric facility and home. I started therapy today because the entire experience was something I had to personally deal with, and it was a lot.. In fact, I'm still processing the events.

Ever since I've known her, she has struggled with depression. I've tried my best to help her out through her hardships, and she has certainly had her ups and downs, but it got to the point that it got to on Wednesday... She has a therapist and has been taking an SSRI for the past 2-3 months, which was a big step for her that I had to give her a lot of support with starting.. She was doing quite well until last week (week of March 7), where she started making comments about the ironies of depressed people being prescribed a medication that is quite easy to OD on. After making those comments, she realized it may not be in her best interests to have the medication in her possession, so she gave it to me, and for about a week, I was giving her her doses when she needed them.
She was trying to keep the situation quite private from her family; her mom who lives in another state was abusive through her teenage years, and is still to this day a controlling socio/psychopath/narcissist who only makes the lives of her family worse. The rest of her family is honestly fine, her dad and sister are both good people who live 5 minutes away from her and her brother, who in my opinion tries to act like too much of a dad instead of a brother, but that is beside the point. Anyways, because of her history with her mother, she thinks that her entire family would react in the same way her mother would when talking about mental health issues and whatnot, but after she started making the scary comments, I told her it may be in her best interests to tell her dad that she was at least on an SSRI. She took my advice fortunately, and her dad reassured her that her mom would not find out from him.
In the past week, I've tried to help emotionally support her as best as I can, her support group has shrank a bit; she found out someone who she thought was one of her best friends is honestly kind of a terrible person, and that made the situation worse. Our university has an emergency crisis hotline, and I tried to convince her to call them, because no matter how hard I try to emotionally support her, I am far from a mental health professional, and I would not be able to provide sufficient assistance to her other than just being there for her.
Fast forward to Wednesday night. A friend of ours and myself were off campus doing some music related things, and when we got back to campus, I was going to say bye to her before we both headed to our apartments for the night. She got in my friend's car with us, and proceeded to tell us that she had just taken about 30 ibuprofen... I called 911 before she was even finished with her sentence, and the emergency responders were able to get her to the ER in the hospital. I had to call her dad and explain what was going on, which was really not great; I've only talked to him a couple times, so breaking the news to him was hard. I then had to speak to her mother over the phone and explain the situation as briefly as I could, and when her siblings and dad arrived at the hospital, her dad was allowed to go into the room with her, and I explained everything about the events of the past week to her brother.
The next day, I was able to visit her, but, by the end of the day, she was 5150'd, which is an involuntary holding period that can be up to 72 hours in a psychiatric hospital.
She was released before the 72 hours were up, which is good because she is home now (actually at this moment she is with the friend who was with me when everything went down).
I want to help her work through this, but I just don't know how. I went to therapy to help myself process everything, but honestly, it doesn't even feel real. I love her a lot, and I know for a fact that I don't want her out of my life, especially because of something like that, so it is a relief that she is okay.
Her mental state seems better, she says that she knows for a fact that she wants to be alive now, it just scares me, because there is something in the back of my head nagging me that she is just telling me that she's just saying what I want to hear. It's scary, and I'm doing the best that I can to support her, it just feels like I'm in a constant state of fear of what is going to come next.
I just needed to get this out and say it to someone who isn't my therapist, but if anyone has any idea on how to move forward in a situation like this, I would be very appreciative of any advice.

As someone who had been in both your situation and hers, the best advice I can give is to just keep being there for her. She might blame herself for putting you and her family through that kind of stress, but remind her that you love her and will continue to be there. The most important thing for you to remember is that none of this is your fault. It doesn’t matter how much you know or what signs you see beforehand; depression is such a hard thing to help someone through, that it’s impossible to know when or if someone will attempt.

Just keep reminding her of what she means to you. But also take care of yourself too. She wouldn’t want taking care of her to become an obsession. Good luck brother, she’s lucky to have someone who cares so much on her side.
 
Last edited:

Klutch

always down horrifically bad
Legacy
Damn, I'm back at it with another one on here.

The same girlfriend from my previous post from last year broke up with me a couple weeks ago, and it was all my fault. She said this has potential to just be a break, but I feel like telling myself that is only a means of getting my hopes up, only to be crushed later on. The reasons she gave broke into a few main things:
1) I had not spent enough time with her for about four months. This is true, I neglected her a lot. I have reasons for it, but these reasons don't excuse it. I prioritized spending time with my friends over her. I was trying to graduate and had tunnel vision, and began using some really bad coping mechanisms to deal with my stress. I have always had a bad relationship with gaming, but after this I am ready to admit, I have a gaming addiction. It is being handled right now, but I'd find her asking me to hang out, and I'd say that I was too tired, just to find myself playing video games until really late. I basically turned into a boyfriend over text and calls, and she'd only see me on our school campus sometimes. Our schedules did not line up very well, but I still could have put in some effort to clear out some time for her. She put in much more effort into the relationship for the past four months than I did, and I think she is very valid in saying that I was negligent.
2) Communication was an issue, and I was not improving on things I said I'd work on. I would often say, "I'm working on it," but not take the action to back it up. It is hard to have self-awareness when you're drowning, but some of the things she asked me to work on were really so easy, and they really did not see a lot of improvement. I told her that in some cases, (we're both teachers) when things aren't working for our students and we know they're putting effort in, things have to be explained differently, so I felt a little blindsided by the whole situation because I didn't realize that not much improvement was being made. In terms of other communication problems, I'm really not good at talking out my feelings on the spot; I like being able to digest how I'm feeling and think about it, but it was so excessive to the point that I would just stonewall her and never follow up with anything because I was so anxious about how she'd feel about what was going on in my head. I realize that it was anxiety controlling me, I doubt she would have had much of a problem with how I was feeling, nonetheless, I stonewalled her.
3) This is one that is a bit frustrating to me, but it is representative of a larger issue in my mind. I fell a bit behind this semester, which I should have been taking quite seriously since it was my last semester of my undergrad. I'm a very straight-C student, I hate school (ironic that I'm a teacher), and it had me so fucking burned out. I've had a shit few years at my uni, and I was completely over it this semester. However, in the beginning of the semester, I said that I was going to try to end on a high note, not skip classes, get behind, etc. This was something I did not follow through on. She told me that she felt she was more of a mother than a girlfriend because she'd have to push me to get my schoolwork handled, to the point where she was stressing and worrying about me so much that she was worried about if she'd even be successful this semester. I don't know man. I understand completely that I did not follow through on ending on a high note. I was all talk in that scenario. I fell off pretty quickly, would sleep through classes, and be upset with myself for it, complain to her, and ultimately, it is my fault if I don't go to class. However, I realize that because I was gaming so much, it was cutting into my sleep, making me not go to class. What frustrates me is that the stress she said she was experiencing on my behalf is self-inflicted; though I did fall behind, I'm a big boy, and I don't need her to mom me to get my shit done. Everything else, however, I understand in terms of her frustration.

She brought these concerns to me about two weeks before she broke up with me, but by then, I really think it was too late - resentment had built up, and no matter how hard I tried for those two weeks, it never could have been enough. She made self-fulfilling prophecies about certain days we had planned out not going well, and they didn't go well. She took issue with everything that I did in terms of planning dates for those two weeks, despite the fact that I was trying to make sure the plans were okay with her, she said they were, and then changed her mind last minute. She began putting space between us, despite saying that she wanted to try to make things work. When she broke up with me, she said she couldn't do it anymore, and that she needed a "pause." We talked a few times since then, and each time I laid my cards out on the table even more for her.

In my defense and in refutation to the above points:
1) Stress does some horrible things to people. It can put blinders on people, block self-awareness, and cause some bad habits to arise. I lost all self-awareness because I was just trying to power through. I was drowning. I was taking an excess load of 22 units (10 classes), preparing for a huge music recital, working 32 hours a week between two jobs, and driving about 100 miles a day between school, work, and home. The time simply spent AT school in lectures was about 24-30 hours, plus homework added on a lot more hours. Driving 100 miles a day in southern California is usually 2+ hours behind the wheel, 5 days a week. On the weekends, I work at my restaurant job. I calculated it, and if the week was going well, I'd have about 5 hours of free time a day... At absolute most. Because of this, I started putting things off to play video games, and lost so much sleep and energy over it, as well as putting off schoolwork, and time to be spent with her. When I say it was an addiction, it really was. I would have so much mental energy occupied by it, and there is an anonymous meeting group website with a 20-point checklist to self-test for addiction - I ended up checking off 16. They say if you check off 8, you may have a gaming problem. So yeah, I have a fucking addiction. On top of that, the stress has deteriorated my memory to the point where I do not remember so much of what she'd talked about with me. She brought things up to me that I straight up do not remember, and it was never because I wasn't listening to her, I think my mind was just so all over the place that there was no way I could have worried about anything other than simply finding time to breathe. My order of events is out of whack - if you asked me when specific things this semester happened, I would not be able to tell you in order when they happened. Stress shot my memory out, and I didn't realize it until she brought all of this to me.
2) Again, because of the sheer stress, it was really hard to put work in on myself. My self-awareness was so clouded because I was drowning that I couldn't worry about improving on things she'd bring up. Even simple, "I don't like when you ____," were really hard to manage because I just couldn't breathe.
3) Again, I think she added so much stress onto herself unnecessarily, but I'm powerless to that.

My defense has also allowed me to formulate a plan of improvement that I told her about. In terms of my gaming problem, I have gone to some anonymous meetings on Zoom with an addiction group. I have begun to plan out my time a bit more mindfully to do things that I enjoy outside of sitting down and spending far too much time gaming. I have a therapist that I am working on it all with, too, to find better coping mechanisms for stress. Furthermore, so much stress is now gone from my plate since I am done with school now. In just a week since being done, I feel like I really am able to breathe and spend much more time doing things that I enjoy, and have a much better grip on things. Communication is tough, but I think self-awareness is a hell of a thing. I have done a lot of reflection on how I can do better, and I have identified why I think I am so bad at communicating sometimes. This one is not as easy to work on, because it is usually in on-the-spot situations in terms of relationship stuff, so even though I know what needs to be done, I think the test of if I am improving on it will be if I am in one of those situations. In terms of the stonewalling, I know it was a problem now, and am accepting the fact that I should have just been more open with her in the first place, but if this really is a break, I will just have to be more open.

She said she wanted to move at .25x speed if we were going to try to make this just a break. I don't know what the fuck that is supposed to mean - it just creates anxiety and questions. I don't want to suffocate her by asking for clarification, she wants space, but I don't know how much. She said she doesn't want to go no-contact so she can see that I'm working on stuff, but balancing giving space and trying to show improvement is so difficult for me. I told her the only way I could adequately show that I can dedicate time to her now is by dedicating free time to her, because I'll just be giving my free time elsewhere if she doesn't want to spend time with me, so I don't know what else I can do really. It seems that even though she said she wants to keep contact to make this a break (potentially), she is trying to cut herself off. She isn't going to my graduation, which I understand, we aren't technically together, but to me, if the roles were reversed, I'd go to her graduation to at least support a friend.

I have so many frustrations with this too. All of the problems I have are so fixable. Most of what she brought up is pretty much solved at this point - it was just a matter of getting to the end of the semester, and in the other cases, having the self-awareness to get control of myself. I feel like I stood by her in her worst times (see my above posts in this thread), and she couldn't even stand by me when I was drowning in stress. No, relationships aren't transactional, but there should be some sort of reciprocation, and I feel like I didn't get that. No trust was broken, nobody cheated, excessively lied, abused, or was toxic with the other party. Those are issues that are hard to impossible to work out. This shit is so damn simple. Spending more time with her? Done. I have Tuesday-Thursdays free ALL DAY now, and my days on the weekend are flexible because I don't work all day at my restaurant job. She felt like a mom? Okay, guess what, I have no more deadlines with school. I'm much better at handling adult shit than school shit - I found a new therapist on my own when I needed one BEFORE it was too late, I make appointments for myself at reasonable times, handle work stuff well - it was just school that was in the way, and seemed to be the biggest deal because it was a majority of my time. Communication again is a bit tricky, but we are all human and will always have stuff to work on, regardless of if we are in a relationship or not.

So, I sat on a rock today in my happy place to reflect on myself, and partially this situation. I identified why I have certain behaviors, and have thought about what I can do aside from the things above to improve things that are all separate. I got a better outlook on myself, and am not doing so bad in terms of how I feel about myself right now. The only thing is, I'm so anxious because of this situation, and destroyed. I am destroyed that I do not have someone who I thought I could spend my life with, I am destroyed that I caused this situation, and I'm anxious because I don't know if this will really be just a break or not. I asked myself whether it was just a relationship I seek, or if it is her. I was happily single for YEARS before I met her, I didn't want a relationship at all. It is her. Despite my frustrations, I think this is figure-outable. I just don't know what to do in terms of her. I have myself mostly figured out.

The last part is that I have had some... harmful ideations to say the least in terms of this. I don't think I'd act on anything, but I am slightly disappointed in myself for letting something like this get me to this point. It is just a breakup, and I realize that. But I have never felt the way I do about this breakup, and I've been through some FUCKED UP relationship stuff. It just fucking hurts man, and I don't know what to do. If it is going to be a break, then great, it's just I feel like the anxiety from the uncertainty may actually fucking kill me before we could even get back together.

Note: I wrote this really hastily, so if anyone actually does want to talk any of this shit out and you have questions, lmk.

FUCK.
 
Last edited:

Nathan776

Administrator
Moderator
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Damn, I'm back at it with another one on here.

The same girlfriend from my previous post from last year broke up with me a couple weeks ago, and it was all my fault. She said this has potential to just be a break, but I feel like telling myself that is only a means of getting my hopes up, only to be crushed later on. The reasons she gave broke into a few main things:
1) I had not spent enough time with her for about four months. This is true, I neglected her a lot. I have reasons for it, but these reasons don't excuse it. I prioritized spending time with my friends over her. I was trying to graduate and had tunnel vision, and began using some really bad coping mechanisms to deal with my stress. I have always had a bad relationship with gaming, but after this I am ready to admit, I have a gaming addiction. It is being handled right now, but I'd find her asking me to hang out, and I'd say that I was too tired, just to find myself playing video games until really late. I basically turned into a boyfriend over text and calls, and she'd only see me on our school campus sometimes. Our schedules did not line up very well, but I still could have put in some effort to clear out some time for her. She put in much more effort into the relationship for the past four months than I did, and I think she is very valid in saying that I was negligent.
2) Communication was an issue, and I was not improving on things I said I'd work on. I would often say, "I'm working on it," but not take the action to back it up. It is hard to have self-awareness when you're drowning, but some of the things she asked me to work on were really so easy, and they really did not see a lot of improvement. I told her that in some cases, (we're both teachers) when things aren't working for our students and we know they're putting effort in, things have to be explained differently, so I felt a little blindsided by the whole situation because I didn't realize that not much improvement was being made. In terms of other communication problems, I'm really not good at talking out my feelings on the spot; I like being able to digest how I'm feeling and think about it, but it was so excessive to the point that I would just stonewall her and never follow up with anything because I was so anxious about how she'd feel about what was going on in my head. I realize that it was anxiety controlling me, I doubt she would have had much of a problem with how I was feeling, nonetheless, I stonewalled her.
3) This is one that is a bit frustrating to me, but it is representative of a larger issue in my mind. I fell a bit behind this semester, which I should have been taking quite seriously since it was my last semester of my undergrad. I'm a very straight-C student, I hate school (ironic that I'm a teacher), and it had me so fucking burned out. I've had a shit few years at my uni, and I was completely over it this semester. However, in the beginning of the semester, I said that I was going to try to end on a high note, not skip classes, get behind, etc. This was something I did not follow through on. She told me that she felt she was more of a mother than a girlfriend because she'd have to push me to get my schoolwork handled, to the point where she was stressing and worrying about me so much that she was worried about if she'd even be successful this semester. I don't know man. I understand completely that I did not follow through on ending on a high note. I was all talk in that scenario. I fell off pretty quickly, would sleep through classes, and be upset with myself for it, complain to her, and ultimately, it is my fault if I don't go to class. However, I realize that because I was gaming so much, it was cutting into my sleep, making me not go to class. What frustrates me is that the stress she said she was experiencing on my behalf is self-inflicted; though I did fall behind, I'm a big boy, and I don't need her to mom me to get my shit done. Everything else, however, I understand in terms of her frustration.

She brought these concerns to me about two weeks before she broke up with me, but by then, I really think it was too late - resentment had built up, and no matter how hard I tried for those two weeks, it never could have been enough. She made self-fulfilling prophecies about certain days we had planned out not going well, and they didn't go well. She took issue with everything that I did in terms of planning dates for those two weeks, despite the fact that I was trying to make sure the plans were okay with her, she said they were, and then changed her mind last minute. She began putting space between us, despite saying that she wanted to try to make things work. When she broke up with me, she said she couldn't do it anymore, and that she needed a "pause." We talked a few times since then, and each time I laid my cards out on the table even more for her.

In my defense and in refutation to the above points:
1) Stress does some horrible things to people. It can put blinders on people, block self-awareness, and cause some bad habits to arise. I lost all self-awareness because I was just trying to power through. I was drowning. I was taking an excess load of 22 units (10 classes), preparing for a huge music recital, working 32 hours a week between two jobs, and driving about 100 miles a day between school, work, and home. The time simply spent AT school in lectures was about 24-30 hours, plus homework added on a lot more hours. Driving 100 miles a day in southern California is usually 2+ hours behind the wheel, 5 days a week. On the weekends, I work at my restaurant job. I calculated it, and if the week was going well, I'd have about 5 hours of free time a day... At absolute most. Because of this, I started putting things off to play video games, and lost so much sleep and energy over it, as well as putting off schoolwork, and time to be spent with her. When I say it was an addiction, it really was. I would have so much mental energy occupied by it, and there is an anonymous meeting group website with a 20-point checklist to self-test for addiction - I ended up checking off 16. They say if you check off 8, you may have a gaming problem. So yeah, I have a fucking addiction. On top of that, the stress has deteriorated my memory to the point where I do not remember so much of what she'd talked about with me. She brought things up to me that I straight up do not remember, and it was never because I wasn't listening to her, I think my mind was just so all over the place that there was no way I could have worried about anything other than simply finding time to breathe. My order of events is out of whack - if you asked me when specific things this semester happened, I would not be able to tell you in order when they happened. Stress shot my memory out, and I didn't realize it until she brought all of this to me.
2) Again, because of the sheer stress, it was really hard to put work in on myself. My self-awareness was so clouded because I was drowning that I couldn't worry about improving on things she'd bring up. Even simple, "I don't like when you ____," were really hard to manage because I just couldn't breathe.
3) Again, I think she added so much stress onto herself unnecessarily, but I'm powerless to that.

My defense has also allowed me to formulate a plan of improvement that I told her about. In terms of my gaming problem, I have gone to some anonymous meetings on Zoom with an addiction group. I have begun to plan out my time a bit more mindfully to do things that I enjoy outside of sitting down and spending far too much time gaming. I have a therapist that I am working on it all with, too, to find better coping mechanisms for stress. Furthermore, so much stress is now gone from my plate since I am done with school now. In just a week since being done, I feel like I really am able to breathe and spend much more time doing things that I enjoy, and have a much better grip on things. Communication is tough, but I think self-awareness is a hell of a thing. I have done a lot of reflection on how I can do better, and I have identified why I think I am so bad at communicating sometimes. This one is not as easy to work on, because it is usually in on-the-spot situations in terms of relationship stuff, so even though I know what needs to be done, I think the test of if I am improving on it will be if I am in one of those situations. In terms of the stonewalling, I know it was a problem now, and am accepting the fact that I should have just been more open with her in the first place, but if this really is a break, I will just have to be more open.

She said she wanted to move at .25x speed if we were going to try to make this just a break. I don't know what the fuck that is supposed to mean - it just creates anxiety and questions. I don't want to suffocate her by asking for clarification, she wants space, but I don't know how much. She said she doesn't want to go no-contact so she can see that I'm working on stuff, but balancing giving space and trying to show improvement is so difficult for me. I told her the only way I could adequately show that I can dedicate time to her now is by dedicating free time to her, because I'll just be giving my free time elsewhere if she doesn't want to spend time with me, so I don't know what else I can do really. It seems that even though she said she wants to keep contact to make this a break (potentially), she is trying to cut herself off. She isn't going to my graduation, which I understand, we aren't technically together, but to me, if the roles were reversed, I'd go to her graduation to at least support a friend.

I have so many frustrations with this too. All of the problems I have are so fixable. Most of what she brought up is pretty much solved at this point - it was just a matter of getting to the end of the semester, and in the other cases, having the self-awareness to get control of myself. I feel like I stood by her in her worst times (see my above posts in this thread), and she couldn't even stand by me when I was drowning in stress. No, relationships aren't transactional, but there should be some sort of reciprocation, and I feel like I didn't get that. No trust was broken, nobody cheated, excessively lied, abused, or was toxic with the other party. Those are issues that are hard to impossible to work out. This shit is so damn simple. Spending more time with her? Done. I have Tuesday-Thursdays free ALL DAY now, and my days on the weekend are flexible because I don't work all day at my restaurant job. She felt like a mom? Okay, guess what, I have no more deadlines with school. I'm much better at handling adult shit than school shit - I found a new therapist on my own when I needed one BEFORE it was too late, I make appointments for myself at reasonable times, handle work stuff well - it was just school that was in the way, and seemed to be the biggest deal because it was a majority of my time. Communication again is a bit tricky, but we are all human and will always have stuff to work on, regardless of if we are in a relationship or not.

So, I sat on a rock today in my happy place to reflect on myself, and partially this situation. I identified why I have certain behaviors, and have thought about what I can do aside from the things above to improve things that are all separate. I got a better outlook on myself, and am not doing so bad in terms of how I feel about myself right now. The only thing is, I'm so anxious because of this situation, and destroyed. I am destroyed that I do not have someone who I thought I could spend my life with, I am destroyed that I caused this situation, and I'm anxious because I don't know if this will really be just a break or not. I asked myself whether it was just a relationship I seek, or if it is her. I was happily single for YEARS before I met her, I didn't want a relationship at all. It is her. Despite my frustrations, I think this is figure-outable. I just don't know what to do in terms of her. I have myself mostly figured out.

The last part is that I have had some... harmful ideations to say the least in terms of this. I don't think I'd act on anything, but I am slightly disappointed in myself for letting something like this get me to this point. It is just a breakup, and I realize that. But I have never felt the way I do about this breakup, and I've been through some FUCKED UP relationship stuff. It just fucking hurts man, and I don't know what to do. If it is going to be a break, then great, it's just I feel like the anxiety from the uncertainty may actually fucking kill me before we could even get back together.

Note: I wrote this really hastily, so if anyone actually does want to talk any of this shit out and you have questions, lmk.

FUCK.

There's only so much you can do in this situation. If they have asked for a (potential) break, they need some time to see if the relationship is worth saving or if they feel better being on their own for now. I would be careful with pushing things too much with the person. I think its a natural thing to try and find solutions for issues but you don't want to overwhelm them when they need some distance. Taking it slow I feel would more be related to them being apprehensive about jumping right back in (as they'd feel the issues are likely to arise again). It really can suck bad but you've just got to try and stay strong and do what you can. Are there any ways in which you feel you could limit your amount of time gaming? Something like a new hobby - maybe go hiking, or visit some different locations. What would really be bad is just falling deeper into things that you believed caused issues in the relationship. Openly being able to show how you've changed for the better can be better than telling someone how you can be better.

Also don't beat yourself up too much. From what you've described, you have a pretty hectic life as is and its not really surprising that it'd be hard to spend time maintaining a relationship as well.
 

Klutch

always down horrifically bad
Legacy
There's only so much you can do in this situation. If they have asked for a (potential) break, they need some time to see if the relationship is worth saving or if they feel better being on their own for now. I would be careful with pushing things too much with the person. I think its a natural thing to try and find solutions for issues but you don't want to overwhelm them when they need some distance. Taking it slow I feel would more be related to them being apprehensive about jumping right back in (as they'd feel the issues are likely to arise again). It really can suck bad but you've just got to try and stay strong and do what you can. Are there any ways in which you feel you could limit your amount of time gaming? Something like a new hobby - maybe go hiking, or visit some different locations. What would really be bad is just falling deeper into things that you believed caused issues in the relationship. Openly being able to show how you've changed for the better can be better than telling someone how you can be better.

Also don't beat yourself up too much. From what you've described, you have a pretty hectic life as is and its not really surprising that it'd be hard to spend time maintaining a relationship as well.
Yeah for sure, I am trying to give her the space she needs - it’s just the ambiguity of her saying she wants to keep contact but have space that is so hard to figure out. I’ve been trying to not reach out and only respond when she’s hit me up, because we have had some amount of contact, it’s just tough.

As far as moderating my gaming, I’ve gotten a pretty good grip on it so far. I think admitting it was a problem was a huge step for me. With this being my first week out in the free world outside of school, I’ve been working and letting that occupy a lot of my time and I’ve been trying to hold myself very accountable on not letting myself log on until all of my shit for the day is done. Like yesterday, I went and did some music stuff after I got up for the morning, did all the work stuff I needed, went and did something I wanted to do (went to my happy place), before I let myself log on for a little. What I’m gonna do next week is renew my membership at a rock climbing gym and do that multiple times a week… to me, I do other things that are potentially addictive with moderation (drinking, smoking, etc), so I think I have the tools along with the anonymous meetings to help out with that.

Thanks a lot for your response tho, it was really insightful and helpful to hear :)
 
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